From Dad

"Im sorry i let you down and that you dont understand why im sad without you, its my own dam fault,
but you might say gitting to finaly talk and possibly see you again is like a dream come true for me ,

id give any thing if i could change the way you feel about me, and to do it all over again, and i have already missed,
so much i dont want to miss any more , im sorry chels i realy hope you can forgive me ,and how could i not not love
you your my little girl, if dont want me to say it anymore i wont , but i sure do feel it , that will never change"

-"


"hey chels whatcha doin you no the more i think about it i coulde have signed it but it seems like me and your mom needed to go together
and at the time i was in a little trouble with the law and i went to jail for a month r two for a stupid no insurance ticket and it got put
on hold and it never happend im sorry dear i wood never deny you , it is my fault i should have made sure it happend .

i got alot of regrets i let you girls down and ill never forgive myself ,i only hope that someday you and saisha can.
and she hasent emailed me yet and im so afraid she wont it makes me so sad i cant explain , so again thank you for takin the ,
the time and atleast talkn to me ,i cant tell you how much it means to me , gotta go pretty girl , ill talk to you soon ,
dont forgit im thinkin about you all the time, you mean the world to me,and i will always love you . iuiuiuiuiuiu"


-"Dad"

And I never spoke to him again

Inevitable

I have given up bracing myself for the blow...shits going to hurt anyway.

Why do I keep opening up myself to people?

Cause I am bat-shit crazy.

It's written in the stars

Daily bullshit

I could be sleeping or I could be in the middle of a conversation and it can happen.

Usually starts as my heart just decides its time to start pounding and fluttering for no reason and then my hands start to shake and I sit there and wonder why I am feeling so upset and the more I try to Imagine why I cannot put a finger on it.

I'm still calm at this point and I work on my logical reasoning, anything going on that can make me feel the way I feel right now?

Well yes, I remember lots of things that have caused me stress and anxiety but those are constant, not anything out of the norm…so back to the begging…

When wracking my brain frantic wondering why I feel that way I gradually just feel worse and worse to the point where I cannot breathe evenly, I feel dizzy, I'm angry at myself for feeling weak and then my anger turns into complete disgust at myself for not being able to know what's wrong with me.

Then I just feel alone and completely like a flimsy existence that is here and gone with a blink of an eye.

If I cant even stop myself from reeling into such a deep panic for no reason at all…then what can I do to help myself further other than just accepting I will always feel this way some way or another…

This happens every day some way or another.

Just recently I wake up in the middle of an anxiety attack and feel like my chest is about to explode from the heaviness of my own fucked up head.